Start by asking how they are feeling.
“How are things at home?”
“You haven’t seemed yourself lately… are you feeling OK?”
‘I’ve noticed you’ve been pretty flat lately...you OK?’
Asking the right questions at the right time is key to helping someone open up.
If you think a man is struggling, stressed, unhappy or angry, ASK a few questions to show that you care.
Want to help a guy talk about how he’s feeling?
Try: “This week’s been brutal for me, how’ve you been holding up?”
Or, try talking about things he cares about to get a sense of how he’s going:
“How’s work these days?”“How are things with your partner/son/daughter going?”
Consider if it’s appropriate
It's important to find the right time and place to have sensitive conversations. It could be hard to focus if it’s dinner time or there’s a lot of noise in the background, for example. Try and find somewhere private, calm, and appropriate to help him feel at ease and open to sharing. Don’t get hung up on everything being perfect. Even if you can’t be face to face, you can talk to him as if you’re sitting side-by-side and putting yourself out there with what and how you share.
Use open-ended questions
Open-ended questions are a great way to stimulate meaningful conversations, to keep it flowing and to show that you genuinely care. Open-ended questions also give the other person a chance to share more information.
Open questions sound like: ‘How are you feeling today?’ or “What’s been on your mind lately?”
Closed questions like “Do you feel angry?” tend to lead to one-word answers, like ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
Asking open-ended questions requires you to pay close attention, to be specific and enquire from a place of genuine care.
Model honest conversations
Real conversations go beyond subjects like work, sport or what you’re watching on Netflix. Demonstrating your own ability to be honest, open and vulnerable is a great way to help someone open up. Sharing your own struggles helps to destigmatize issues while making strides towards developing a closer, more meaningful relationship.
If you think someone is struggling with their mental health don’t be afraid to ask them if there’s anything you can do to better support them – this will not make things worse.
Let them know you're listening and give them your full attention.
Listening is more than just hearing someone. Being a good listener requires focus. Everyone needs the ear of someone they can trust, and to feel like they’re being heard and understood when they speak.
Be a sounding board
Sometimes, people just need to get things off their chest. Good listening starts with providing a sounding board, or a place to bounce ideas off. This means avoiding assumptions, judgment, and the temptation to provide answers while they vent to you.
Use clarifying questions
If you need to better understand something they’ve said, it’s OK to ask more questions for clarification.
Help them talk about how they’re feeling.
‘I imagine you’re feeling pretty upset right now?’
Normalize their reaction.
‘It’s understandable that you’re feeling this way’. ‘I think most people in this situation would feel the same way as you are right now’.
Avoid dismissing their thoughts or feelings (e.g. avoid saying, ‘that’s not worth getting angry about’ or ‘why would you get angry about that?’)
You can use questions like:
Golden tips for good listening
Encourage them to focus on simple things that could improve how they feel.
Encourage men to take action when needed. This goes for taking care of their physical health as well as mental health.
Eat well and stay active
Taking care of our bodies is key to being well. When we don’t treat our physical health as a priority, it can affect all areas of our lives. Encouraging or helping someone to take better care of themselves can steer them towards improved wellbeing.
You could suggest:
Let him know he doesn’t have to go it alone, that you’re there for them and more than happy to do a workout or go for a walk together.
If these suggestions don’t interest him, encourage problem-solving (trying something else). Remember - no one solution works for everyone, but making some serious attempts at change can help a guy learn what works for him.
Get help when needed
“Help” doesn’t have to be a dirty word. We all need a hand from time to time. In these tough times, it’s important to be there for each other.
But remember, as much as you want to lift up someone else, don’t put this all on your shoulders. Now’s the time to call out that wider network of support, including:
If face to face isn’t his thing, there are other options:
Help lines—you can usually text, email or use online chat to reach trained professionals
Websites (particularly for socially isolated men or men who don’t feel comfortable talking on the phone)
Need help for yourself?
You can’t fully help someone else, or yourself, if you’re running on empty. Take the same advice above and practice some self-care. If you start feeling like you need more support, reach out.
Check-in with them after your chat.
Checking in is a key part of this process. It sends a clear message to the person that you care and that you’re genuinely in their corner.
In difficult times, reaching out can give someone hope and a sense of how powerful their support network is.
Develop trust
Building a relationship and nurturing trust can be a slow process. It's important to be genuine, honest, consistent, and always maintain confidentiality. Follow up when you say you’re going to follow-up. Clear communication is important - especially if your plans need to change.
Plan a follow-up
Ongoing conversation is key to ensuring the enduring value of the connection. Once you’ve asked, listened, and encouraged action, always arrange a time to check in and follow up your chat.
You can send a text, make a phone call or catch-up face to face.
Asking questions can help to open up a conversation: “How have you been since we last spoke?” or “How has your sleeping/mood been we last spoke?” or ‘How has your mood been since last week?’
Ask if they’ve sought professional help or if they’ve given it any thought (if it was something they said they’d do). You could ask, “How did you go getting in contact with….”
Also, remain available for the men in your life.
If we model healthy behaviours when it comes to taking care of our own mental health, we encourage and empower the men we care about to be proactive in managing their own wellbeing.