<div>Start by asking how they are feeling.“How are things at home?”“You haven’t seemed yourself lately… are you feeling OK?”‘I’ve noticed you’ve seemed pretty flat lately...you OK?’Asking the right questions at the right time is key to helping someone open up.If you think a man is struggling, stressed, unhappy or angry, ASK a few questions to show that you care.Want to help a guy talk about how he’s feeling?Try: “This week’s been brutal for me, how’ve you been holding up?”Or, try talking about things he cares about to get a sense of how he’s going:“How’s work these days?”, “How are things with your partner/son/daughter going?”Consider if it’s appropriateIt's important to find the right time and place to have sensitive conversations. It could be hard to focus if it’s dinner time or there’s a lot of noise in the background, for example. Try and find somewhere private, calm, and appropriate to help him feel at ease and open to sharing. Don’t get hung up on everything being perfect. Even if you can’t be face to face, you can talk to him as if you’re sitting side-by-side and putting yourself out there with what and how you share.Use open-ended questionsOpen-ended questions are a great way to stimulate meaningful conversations, to keep it flowing and to show that you genuinely care. Open-ended questions are questions that need more than a single word answer. Open-ended questions give the other person a chance to share more information.Open questions sound like: ‘How are you feeling today?’ or “What’s been on your mind lately?”Closed questions like “Do you feel angry?” tend to lead to one-word answers, like ‘yes’ or ‘no’.Asking open-ended questions requires you to pay close attention, to be specific and enquire from a place of genuine care.Model honest conversationsReal conversations go beyond subjects like work, sport or what you’re watching on Netflix. Demonstrating your own ability to be honest, open, and vulnerable is a great way to help someone open up. Sharing your own struggles helps to destigmatise issues while making strides towards developing a closer, more meaningful relationship.If you think someone is struggling with their mental health don’t be afraid to ask them if there’s anything you can do to better support them – this will not make things worse.</div>

<div>Let them know you're listening and give them your full attention.Listening is more than just hearing someone. Being a good listener requires focus. Everyone needs the ear of someone they can trust, and to feel like they’re being heard and understood when they speak. Listen to understand rather than listening to respond. Be a sounding boardSometimes, people just need to get things off their chest. Good listening starts with providing a sounding board, or a place to bounce ideas off. This means avoiding assumptions, judgment, and the temptation to provide answers while they vent to you.Use clarifying questionsIf you need to better understand something they’ve said, it’s OK to ask more questions for clarification.Help them talk about how they’re feeling. ‘I imagine you’re feeling pretty upset right now?’Normalize their reaction ‘It’s understandable that you’re feeling this way’. ‘I think most people in this situation would feel the same way as you are right now’.Avoid dismissing their thoughts or feelings (e.g. avoid saying, ‘that’s not worth getting angry about’ or ‘why would you get angry about that?’)You can use questions like:<ul><li>What do you mean by...</li><li>Can you tell me a bit more about...</li><li>Can you give me an example of…</li><li>What was that like for you?</li><li>Are you saying...</li><li>Do you feel...</li><li>Do you mean...</li></ul>Golden tips for good listening<ul><li>Focus on their body language and speech (tone, rate and volume). Do they seem open? Anxious? Both? Are they raising their voice and appearing agitated/irritable? Listen to what they’re saying beyond their words. It’ll guide you on how to move forward and could provide some vital clues. Are they making eye contact? Are they turned towards you or away? Do they seem physically uncomfortable? </li><li>Give your full attention. Put down your phone, turn off the TV and choose a place with no distractions or as few as possible. It shows respect and that you’ve made this a priority.</li><li>Take what’s being said seriously. If a man says he’s ‘stressed’ or ‘feeling low’, accept it.</li><li>Don’t attempt to provide reasons why he shouldn’t feel exactly how he feels. This is not helpful.</li><li>Listen and offer support. Let them know they don’t have to go through this alone and that you’re there for them.</li><li>Reflect back what the man has said -‘it seems that/it sounds like/I get the impression that…’‘It sounds like he really upset you’.</li><li>Summarise the situation ‘it seems as though you felt that decision was unfair...I get the sense that you’re pretty frustrated and would have liked to have kept your job’. Provide validation statements e.g.“I can tell this is really worrying you”. Validation shows that you hear and are empathetic to the issue and acknowledges the man’s thoughts and feelings.</li><li>Avoid interrupting or rushing the conversation.</li><li>Allow for silence even though it might feel awkward at times.</li><li>Accept and acknowledge emotional responses.</li><li>Be patient...some people need time/space before they are ready to accept help. You can be honest about why you are worried and let them know you are there for them. If the man is not ready to talk, you can check in on him again at a later time.</li><li>The main point is to ensure that the man knows that they are cared for and that they can reach out for support whenever they are feeling down etc.</li></ul></div>

Listen

<div>Encourage them to focus on simple things that could improve how they feel.Encourage men to take action when needed. This goes for taking care of their physical health as well as mental health.Eat well and stay activeTaking care of our bodies is key to being well. When we don’t treat our physical health as a priority, it can affect all areas of our lives, especially our mood and mental health. Encouraging or helping someone to take better care of themselves can steer them towards improved wellbeing.You could suggest:<ul><li>Going for a scenic walk or run</li><li>Fun and quick exercises (including online options)</li><li>Getting good-quality sleep and more of it</li><li>Eating healthy foods and drinking plenty of water</li><li>Reducing alcohol and drug use</li></ul>Let him know he doesn’t have to go it alone, that you’re there for them and more than happy to do a workout or go for a walk together.If these suggestions don’t interest him, encourage problem-solving (trying something else). Remember - no one solution works for everyone, but making some serious attempts at change can help a guy learn what works for him.Get help when needed“Help” doesn’t have to be a dirty word. We all need a hand from time to time. In these tough times, it’s important to be there for each other.But remember, as much as you want to lift up someone else, don’t put this all on your shoulders. Now’s the time to call out that wider network of support, including:<ul><li>Family and friends</li><li>Psychologists or therapists</li><li>Your doctor</li></ul>If face to face isn’t his thing, there are other options:Help lines—you can usually text, email or use online chat to reach trained professionalsWebsites (particularly for socially isolated men or men who don’t feel comfortable talking on the phone)Need help for yourself? You can’t fully help someone else, or yourself, if you’re running on empty. Take the same advice above and practice some self-care. If you start feeling like you need more support, reach out.</div>

Encourage Action

<div>Check-in with them after your chat.Checking in is a key part of this process. It sends a clear message to the person that you care and that you’re genuinely in their corner.In difficult times, reaching out can give someone hope and a sense of how powerful their support network is.Develop trustBuilding a relationship and nurturing trust can be a slow process. It's important to be genuine, honest, consistent, and always maintain confidentiality. Follow up when you say you’re going to follow-up. Clear communication is important - especially if your plans need to change.Plan a follow-upOngoing conversation is key to ensuring the enduring value of the connection. Once you’ve asked, listened, and encouraged action, always arrange a time to check in and follow up your chat.You can send a text, make a phone call or catch-up face to face.Asking questions can help to open up a conversation: “How have you been since we last spoke?” or “How has your sleeping/mood been we last spoke?” or ‘How has your mood been since last week?’Ask if they’ve sought professional help or if they’ve given it any thought (if it was something they said they’d do). You could ask, “How did you go getting in contact with….”Also, remain available for the men in your life.If we model healthy behaviours when it comes to taking care of our own mental health, we encourage and empower the men we care about to be proactive in managing their own wellbeing.</div>

Check In

You’ve been quiet in the group chat. What’ve you been up to? 

<div>For some men, opening up doesn't come naturally. Guys will often shy away from expressing feelings. Admitting that they're having problems can also be hard. So, sometimes it's easier to talk about what you've noticed. This might be behavior that’s out of character. Try asking a few questions about what you've observed to start a conversation and get a better idea of how a man’s going.</div>

Talk about what you've noticed 

Ask open-ended questions to give the person a chance to share more info. For example: "I've noticed you've seemed pretty flat lately...anything on your mind?" versus a closed question like “Are you OK?” which can be answered with a one-word reply.

Observational Question

Non-judgmental, gentle language helps to lower defences and allows a man to feel more comfortable being open.

Remember to go for non-judgmental language that’s considerate and non-critical.

<div>It's not just what you ask. But how you ask it. Aim to be gentle, patient, and kind. It’ll help put the man at ease and encourage him to open up. Set the tone by using sincere, curious, and non-judgmental language. This will help in respecting his boundaries, and he's less likely to feel defensive or attacked.</div>

Make sure your words don’t point fingers

Go for "I" instead of "You" statements or questions. This minimizes the feeling of fingers being pointed and helps lower defences. Being curious beats making assumptions too. So try starting sentences with “It sounds like” and ending with "... is that right?")

Non-judgmental Language

Hey, sorry I missed the game. There's so much going on with the separation. It's such a nightmare.

No problem. What's the latest? Let's grab a beer so you can tell me more.

Sounds like it's been hectic and really stressful, is that right?

<div>Empathy is about putting yourself in the other person's shoes. It’s about understanding their feelings and experiences from their perspective. Sympathy on the other hand, usually involves judgment and can be seen as pity.Showing empathy will help him feel heard and understood; it will show him that what he's experiencing is important and valid, and will encourage him to open up further. Empathy also builds connection.A simple way for a man to know that you're empathetic and care, is to validate what they’ve said. To do this, be a mirror: reflect back what you've heard, then add how you think this may affect him.</div>

Put yourself in their shoes with empathy

Show empathy by asking him if what you've heard is right. Then reflect back how this seems to be making him feel. Remember to validate.

Empathizing

Learn what to say first and how

Now let’s recap on what to say first and how:

<ul><li>Ask open-ended questions: avoid questions with simple “yes” or “no” answers.</li><li>Make observations: talk about what you've noticed.</li><li>Go for non-judgemental language: aim for a gentle, curious approach.</li><li>Show empathy: put yourself in their shoes, validate their experience.</li></ul>

<div>How do you know when it's time to encourage him to make some changes? First up, make sure you've already asked open questions, listened, and validated his experience. Don't try to encourage him to make changes until you're sure that he's been heard and understood. After that, you can start listening out for 'problem talk' and 'change talk'. Problem talk is when he's still talking about the issues he's having. And the reasons why things can’t or won’t change. You might hear "Yeah but, that won't work because…" or, "Why bother, this is just the way it's going to be."Change talk is when he’s started talking about making a change. Hearing change talk from him lets you know that he's open to talking about possible solutions, e.g. "It would probably be better if…".</div>

Recognize Problem-Talk & Change-Talk

Once they start making suggestions about what they could do to improve or change the situation, you know it's time to encourage them. 

If it seems like they're making excuses and are unwilling to consider possible solutions, they're still in Problem-Talk mode.

If they're still talking about problems and not solutions, that’s OK. They may need you to keep listening, showing empathy and compassion. If they haven't been validated, then they won't be ready for change.

Problem-Talk & Change-Talk

Learn when to encourage action

Let’s recap on when to encourage action:

Keep learning about the ‘Encouraging Action’ skill

<ul><li>Make sure you’ve asked open questions, listened, and validated his experience</li><li>Don't try to encourage him to make changes until he's been heard and understood</li><li>Listen out for problem-talk and change-talk</li><li>If he offers or considers a solution that's your cue to encourage him</li></ul>

Sam and I had another huge fight. It's the third this week. Nothing I say or do is right!

Everyone expects more and more from me. If it's not Sam, it's work. They just pile on more and more crap for me to do. Then Sam's telling me to stop drinking and to spend more time at home. When do I get to relax? 

My work is piling up too. Have you talked to your boss?

It sounds like you're feeling pressure from both work and Sam, so there's no give. Is that right?

Suck it up and let me get you another drink.

<div>It happens. Sometimes we listen without really hearing. It’s more like we’re waiting for our turn to talk or thinking about what we’re going to say next. We can get so caught up on saying the right thing. When we do this though, we can miss out on really hearing and understanding what the other person is saying. It's important that when we're listening, our goal is to understand rather than to respond.</div>

Listen to understand, not respond

Focus on what’s being said and not what you’ll say back. Pause and reflect back what you've heard: "What I'm hearing is...is that right?". Finally, don’t be afraid of some silence.

Listen to understand

Stay completely frozen to show you're paying attention.

Face them front on to show you're intensely listening. 

Nod along occasionally, especially when something big or important is said.

<div>So you’ve gotten him to open up and start talking. Nice one! When you’re listening to him talk, make sure you show you're engaged. This is called active listening. It shows you care and think what he’s saying is important.You can show you're engaged through actions (like nodding) or words (saying 'uh-huh' or 'sure'). And put your phone away to give your undivided attention.When talking to guys there's no need to hold eye contact for a super long time. This can be too intense for some men. Brief eye contact will do. A second here and there. Sitting side-by-side can also help men feel more comfortable. Summing up what they've said shows you've been paying attention.</div>

Show you're engaged and paying attention

Only a small percentage of what we communicate in conversations is through talking. Our facial expressions, posture, eye contact, and tone all show how engaged and focused we are in a conversation. Slouching or stretching, on the other hand, might suggest boredom or indifference.

Show you're engaged

Ask them lots of questions to show your interest

Interrupt them often to say it sounds like a shit show

Use words like 'yep', 'uh-huh' and 'sure' to encourage them to continue talking

What should you say?

Show you’re engaged 

How should you use eye contact?

Learn how to actively listen

Now let's recap on learning how to actively listen:

Continue learning about the 'Listen' skill

<ul><li>Get comfortable with silence: let him talk</li><li>Focus on what’s being said rather than how you’ll respond</li><li>Listen carefully to what he says and reflect back what you've heard</li><li>Show you're engaged through actions (like nodding) or words (such as 'uh-huh' or 'sure')</li><li>Put your phone away to give your full attention</li><li>Go for brief eye contact and try sitting side-by-side for your chats.</li></ul>

Sorry buddy, but I can't come tonight. I'm broke again. Lost a few too many bets last night. And maybe the night before. 

I'm disappointed bud. I was looking forward to having a beer with you.

That sounds rough, man. Why do you think you keep going back to it?

Remind me to never get betting advice from you.

<div>Try keeping an open mind when he’s talking. You want to try and understand things from his point of view. Without making any of your own judgements. And without forcing your views, values, or beliefs onto his experience.We all see the world through a lens that is shaped by our own values and experiences. But keeping an open mind in conversations will help the man feel heard and understood. It’ll also avoid them feeling criticized or judged.</div>

Keep an open mind

Give yourself a few moments to respond. You may disagree with what you've heard. But consider it from his point of view with curiosity and empathy.

Keeping an open mind

Learn how to listen with an open mind 

Continue to the ‘Encourage Action’ skill

<ul><li>Try to understand things from his point of view</li><li>Stay away from making judgments or forcing your views or beliefs onto him</li><li>Take your time to respond with curiosity and empathy</li></ul>

Awesome work. You found the best, curious response for each situation and focused on manageable solutions.

Focus on how they’re viewing the situation and how you can encourage them to take action towards a solution. 

<div>How should you encourage him to take action? The best way is to support him to come up with solutions. Rather than simply telling him what to do. Or expecting him to have all the answers.A good way to do this is by making curious suggestions. For example, “I wonder what it would be like to talk to your partner about some of this stuff", or "What would it be like to start with a small walk in the mornings?"You can also suggest brainstorming solutions together and come up with a few options they can connect with. This support will help them feel more empowered and make it easier for them to decide what feels achievable right now.</div>

Encourage self-help and focus on solutions

Before jumping in with solutions, reflect on what they’ve shared and then ask what feels manageable. And it's OK to not have all the answers. As a start, try to encourage them to take care of themselves and their basic needs.

Emotional vs practical support

Learn how to encourage action

Let’s recap on encouraging self-help and solutions:

<ul><li>Support him to come up with solutions rather than telling him what to do.</li><li>Don’t expect him to have all the answers.</li><li>Suggest brainstorming actions or next steps together. A great way to do this is to be open and non-judgemental to ideas that come up.</li></ul>

It's important to get specific when checking in. Always follow up on what you chatted about last time.

Try to be specific when checking in. Follow up on what you talked about last time.

<div>Here’s the thing with checking in: you’ll never make things worse by doing it. Regularly reaching out to men in your life shows them that they're not alone. It also shows that you mean what you say - you're here to support them.One of the most important things you can do is ask about what you'd specifically discussed last time. Get straight to it rather than skirting around it. Ask how they are, what’s the latest on their situation, what they need and how you can support them. Always go back to listening if other steps you've tried aren't working.</div>

Working out the right things to say when checking in

<div>Be patient and accept that things may not have gotten better. They may even be worse. Avoid judging them or getting frustrated if they’re not taking action. If you think they're avoiding accepting your help, it's OK to ask about what might be getting in the way.Remember: this is a vulnerable conversation for both the man and you. Make sure you take some time to prepare and look after yourself too.</div>

Check in

Keeping up regular contact shows that you're here for them. Locking in a specific day and time to check-in is also an important step. Beer and burger chats work too. 

Think about which check in approach fits best. Send a follow up text on the day. Lock in a catch up if it’s been a while. Make a plan if they live far away. Book in that burger and beer.

<div>Checking in is an important step after a conversation - one that’s often neglected. So, here’s how to make sure it isn’t skipped.Send a follow-up text message the same day after a chat. It’s a simple way of showing that you care and the conversation isn't finished. If you’ve chatted about possible solutions or changes, ask if they've made any progress or need your help.Lock in set dates or time to connect. It's never too early or too late to check in. But, the sooner after a conversation, the better. Most importantly: don't avoid it altogether.</div>

Understanding the right time and way to check in

It's important to keep checking in and let him know you're there. Life gets busy, so pop some reminders in your phone to give yourself a nudge!

Check in tips

Learn how to check in

Continue learning about the ‘Check in’ skill

<ul><li>Get straight to what you specifically discussed last time.</li><li>Ask how they are, what’s the latest on their situation, what they need and how you can support them.</li><li>Always go back to listening if other steps you've tried aren't working.</li><li>Avoid judging them or getting frustrated if they’re not taking action.</li><li>It's never too early or too late to check in, but the sooner after a conversation the better.</li><li>Lock in set dates or a time to connect.</li><li>Plan a check-in that feels right for the situation. Send a follow up text on the day. Organize a catch up if it’s been a while.</li></ul>

To make me look like a better friend than the others

To create a safe space and show that I'm here to support him

<div>Think about your previous conversations. How could you further support him? Or what you could encourage him to do? Use the other ALEC steps as a guide: Ask, Listen and Encourage action.Take a few deep breaths before the conversation. Try to relax. Focus on your goal - to help your mate. Remind yourself you're doing this because you care.These can be challenging, vulnerable conversations. So, think about what you need as well. Have someone in mind that you can reach out to after your conversation so that you're supported, too.</div>

Easing into a check-in conversation

You might put pressure on yourself to do it perfectly. But there’s no need for that. A simple check-in will do the trick. The best way to help him, is to show your concern and that you're there to support him.

Feeling worried about checking in?

Ask other people if he's OK before I check-in

What can you do to prepare for the check-in if you're nervous?

I know this is tough, I'm here for you though. 

How’s everything going with what we talked about last time? 

What's a great way to open up the check-in conversation?

Learn how to ease check-in nerves

Try out your new skills in a practice conversation

<ul><li>Think about your previous conversations. How could further support him? What could you encourage him to do?</li><li>Take a few deep breaths before you start the conversation. Try to relax. Focus on your goal - to help your mate.</li><li>Don’t put pressure on yourself to do it perfectly. A simple check-in will do.</li><li>Use the other ALEC steps as a guide: Ask, Listen and Encourage Action.</li></ul>