Practice supporting a man who is feeling down and irritable 

Support a man who is down and irritable 

He's Down and Irritable

You're at home and hear this from your partner who's been down & irritable:

I’m wrecked. I canceled our dinner plans tonight.

Avoid blaming him or making him feel guilty. Instead, focus on the struggles he might be facing.

I wish you hadn’t! We always have a good time with our friends.

Slow down there, cowboy! By jumping to solutions, you risk shutting down the conversation too quickly.

Good move! I can’t be bothered talking with anyone either.

Solid response – Ask. You helped him feel acknowledged, established common ground, and by asking open questions, you’ve created space for him to share more.

Yeah, I hear you. Work’s been super tough for us both lately. What should we do to help you relax?

Seriously, I just want to be left alone. 

Oof! This feels judgmental, and might not lead to an open conversation. Remember, we’re aiming to create a space where he can express himself.

Fine! You don’t seem like good company anyway.

I see what you tried there. But by jumping to solutions, you risk shutting this conversation down too quickly. For some men, opening up isn’t something they do all that often.

I don’t think you should be alone. Let’s talk instead.

Very nice – Ask. You acknowledged his behavior is out of character and asked an open question. This is a great way to encourage a deeper conversation.

This doesn’t seem like you. What do you think's going on?

Work sucks, but we’re trying to save – so I can’t quit. I feel trapped…

And stuff outside of work is stressing me out, too!

Hmm, not quite. While it’s normal to consider how his issues might affect you or your relationship, this conversation is about helping him open up. Keep asking those open questions, and keep listening.

By “stuff ”, do you mean our relationship, too? If that’s the case, we need couples therapy right away.

Avoid sprinting to solutions, or offering advice before you’ve taken time to thoroughly understand the problems he’s grappling with.

Work is clearly the biggest problem here. Can’t you just find something else?  

Boom, this is excellent – Listen! You listened to everything he said, then made sure you understood correctly. This will help him feel heard.

OK. I’m hearing that you’ve got heaps going on, and it’s starting to pile up and overwhelm you. Is that right? 

I guess. But honestly… it’s everything. 

I stopped running because I was feeling so crap, and now I’ve put on weight.

This is a nice thing to say. But by dismissing his feelings, you risk shutting the conversation down. Your aim here is to understand things from his point of view.

Well, I happen to love you no matter what size you are! 

Avoid rushing to solutions. Instead, try getting comfortable with silence. Give him space to talk.

Pop your shoes on! We’re going for a run. Trust me, you’ll feel better in no time.

Nicely done – Listen. Getting comfy with silence and letting him talk is key. This gives you space to focus on what’s being said, rather than how you’ll respond.

This is gonna sound bad… but drinking is about the only thing I look forward to these days. 

OK… I get why you might say this. Instead of offering solutions, try to keep listening. This can create space for him to come up with his own solutions.

Oh hon… I’m really worried for you. I think you need to talk to a professional about this. 

Yes – Listen! You made him feel heard and understood. This helps validate his experience and establish an ongoing dialogue between you both.

Honestly? I’m really glad you’ve told me all this. I didn’t realize how much you had going on.

Try not to minimize what he’s telling you. Keep listening, and make sure he’s feeling heard and properly understood.

You and me both! You know how much I enjoy a glass of red.  

I know I need to fix this. It just feels like… a lot. 

Well done – Encourage Action. You’ve prompted him to brainstorm his own solutions, and focus on something small, reducing the pressure on him.

I don’t think you need to tackle this all at once. Is there something small that might help? 

Zoning out might be a good short-term solution. But remember: you’re trying to build a safe space for ongoing conversations.

You need to take the pressure down. Why don’t we chuck on a film and zone out for a bit?

Great intentions. But you might want to try supporting him to come up with his own solutions, and a long list might make him feel overwhelmed.

It’s all about having a ‘can do’ attitude. Write a list of all the things you can fix today, and get it done! 

I don’t think I’m up for a run just yet. 

Love this! Encourage Action. You’ve listened to what he said, and validated his suggestion. What’s more – you’ve let him know he doesn’t have to go it alone.

Great! I’m happy to come along, if you’d like some company?

Look, running might help. But by overriding his idea, you run the risk of discouraging him from coming up with solutions of his own. Try supporting his ideas instead.

Great idea. But I think running will do you more good. A hit of endorphins always helps you feel better. 

Connecting with a wider support network can be great. But he’s already declined time with friends. This isn’t the time to go back there.

Yes! And we can invite our friends along, too! That way you’re killing two birds with one stone. 

If it’s OK, I think I might do this first walk alone. 

Not bad! But ongoing conversations are key in ensuring this connection you’ve been building endures. Lock in a follow up.

Nailed it – Check In. Checking in is a vital part of this process. You’ve suggested a specific time and date to re-connect. When you do speak again, ask him about what you discussed today.

Of course! Let’s chat about this again. How about over dinner this time next week?

Positivity is great – but be mindful not to invalidate or diminish what he’s going through right now. Instead, try establishing a time to check in on his progress.

That’s so fine. And no more feeling down, OK? Welcome to your era of positivity! 

<ul><li>Ask observational questions.</li><li>Listen without judgement or solutions.</li><li>Encourage action such as taking a small step to exercise more.</li><li>Check in based on genuine care.</li></ul>

Keep an eye out for a man who seems down and irritable or just not like himself. Watch for men who may be withdrawing from social contact or displaying angry or irritable behaviour. Listen and connect from a place of concern and care.

Practice supporting a man struggling with a relationship breakdown 

Support a man who is struggling with a relationship breakdown 

He's Heartbroken

<div>Always use open questions that can’t be answered with a yes or no.<ul><li>How are you feeling today?</li><li>What’s on your mind? </li></ul></div>

Maybe try a slightly more specific, open question.

This is a nice question. But try to aim for an open question that can’t be answered with yes and no.

It’s important to avoid judgment and rushing to solutions.

Maybe it’s a good time to think about that question.

Heartbreak can cause a man to be preoccupied with unhelpful questions and thoughts. Try to avoid feeding this cycle.

I dunno, why do you think it never works out?

Listening and validating a man’s feelings may help him feel comfortable and open up further.

Oof, sounds tough. And I know it can feel like an endless cycle.

Ask clarifying questions to demonstrate that you’re paying attention and actively interested.

Try and avoid being dismissive of how a man feels.

Nah I don’t think so. . . You did your best.

You may have heard it all before but your friend needs you. Try not to shut the conversation down.

Who knows, but you’re starting to sound like a broken record. 

Maybe not a great time to rub salt in his wound.

Recognizing the emotion the man is feeling is a great way to validate. This as well as asking questions helps nudge the conversation towards the man talking about his emotions.

Sounds like there’s a bit of regret there? 

I just keep getting these waves of sadness. Replaying it over and over.

Avoid judging and jumping to conclusions.

Maybe we can inspire more positive changes.

Let’s go out, get loose, and drink the pain away.

Normalizing their reactions and encouraging action that may help them are great next steps.

Yeah, that’s understandable. Have you been taking care of yourself?

Doesn’t seem like there’s much point.

Sharing your own struggles and experience in encouraging action can be helpful.

I know it’s tough. But getting out and moving my body often helps me out of a funk.

Be patient. Pushing him probably won’t help. He needs to decide to take action himself.

I know it’s tough. But you should make an effort.

I know it’s tough. But you should listen to me.

Look for ways to offer creative and practical help in encouraging action.

You could join me and the office running club for our lunch time runs. 

Tired turns of phrase can be impersonal and move the conversation away from meaningful outcomes.

See! The answers were inside you all along.

It’s always good to encourage exercise. But maybe this is an opportunity for further connection.

Time to hit the gym and distract yourself. It works for me.

Planning a check-in and demonstrating your concern is a great way to be supportive.

And let’s catch up in a couple of days. I’m here for you while you’re going through this. I know it’s tough.

Avoid being judgmental or dismissive.

And I don’t want to hear you moping about anymore.

Try and be more specific when setting a time for a check-in.

Always try and be specific when setting a time for a check-in.

This is a good opportunity to plan a specific check-in time.

<ul><li>Ask open questions that can't be answered with a yes or no</li><li>Listen by using clarifying question to fully understand what is being said</li><li>Encourage Action through promoting exercise or other forms of positive self-care</li><li>Check-in by making specific and definite plans to catch up</li></ul>

Look out for men who are heartbroken and struggling. Be patient, gentle, and understanding. But most of all, offer friendship and connection.

Dive in and explore how you might talk to a man who is withdrawn and obsessing.

Support a man who is withdrawn and obsessing

He’s withdrawn and obsessing

It’s almost midday. Time to get out of bed and get on the beers!

Avoid being judgemental. Try to open up the conversation.

Demonstrating that you care by asking how they are can help create an open conversation.

Hey man. That doesn’t sound like you. Is everything ok?

Just hardly any reason to get out of bed these days.

<div>Asking observational questions demonstrates that you’re paying attention.<ul><li>I’ve noticed you’ve seemed pretty down lately. What’s going on?</li><li>Seems like you're not getting out much. Are you OK?</li></ul></div>

You don't seem like yourself. What’s going on?

Avoid jumping to solutions. Ask questions to open up the conversation.

I hear you. But maybe you should try and find a routine.

Joking around is often an easy way to dodge asking questions.

I keep watching the news. The world’s so messed up.

Maybe avoid fueling your friend's dramatic thoughts while they're struggling.

You got that right. It’s a dumpster fire.

Try not to quickly dismiss the conversation. Ask questions to help them open up.

Just switch off the news. Don’t worry about it.

Asking open questions is a great approach.

There’s a lot going on that’s for sure. What are your days looking like?

Sleep, drink, doomscroll, repeat. Man, I've been thinking about things a lot.

My studies don't seem to make a lot of sense anymore. Who knows what's coming next!?

Try not to jump to solutions. Stick with offering support.

Don’t be dismissive. Your friend needs support.

Dude. Take a break from the questions. You’re so wound up in it.

Encouraging action to reach out to a broader support network is a great first step.

Seems like it's really getting to you. Have you talked to anyone else about all this?

Professional support is a great idea. But don’t prescribe treatment.

Encourage friends to take action and reach out for professional support when they need it.

Yeah. Like a therapist. I think everyone needs support right now.

<div>Listen with an open mind while encouraging action.</div>

No pressure. I find my therapist really helpful but there's plenty of other people you could talk to.

Don't be pushy. This may require a delicate touch.

C'mon. Therapists are great. It'd totally work for you.

Don't let him get away with avoiding action so easily.

That's good to hear. Now go forth and be merry.

Maintaining your privacy is perfectly reasonable. But revealing your own struggles may help your friend open up.

Yeah, I am. There's just some private stuff I like to get off my chest.

Revealing your own struggles may help your friend open up and encourage them to take action themselves.

I’ve definitely had my own struggles recently. They've been really helpful.

Your friend may need this kind of push. But they also might appreciate some practical guidance.

Nah man. They're really helpful. Just book it! Now’s the time.

Encouraging action and offering practical guidance in finding professional help can make a big difference.

Nah, they're really great. I think you’d like them. I could give you the number if you'd like?

Don’t mother him. Be kind and set up a check-in.

You’re not the oracle of knowledge. Be kind, patient and set up a check-in.

Check in and offer ongoing support so he can be reassured that he’s not alone and can rely on your support and encouragement.

Let’s have a video call tomorrow. It'd be great to see you.

<ul><li>Ask observational questions.</li><li>Listen without judgement or solutions.</li><li>Encourage action such as seeking professional help.</li><li>Check in based on genuine care.</li></ul>

Watch out for friends that may be misusing drugs or alcohol. Watch for men who may be withdrawing from social contact or displaying escalating, obsessive, angry or irritable behaviour. Listen and connect from a place of friendship and care.

Jump in and find out how to talk to a man who is juggling work and family. 

Support a man who is juggling work and family

He's Juggling Work & Family

You hear this from a friend who’s struggling juggling work & family:

I’m so busy with work. But I need to get them away from screens for a while.

Try not to judge or impose your own values. Help your friend open up.

Good plan. Your family is more important than work.

Asking open questions and sharing your own struggles is a great way to open up conversation.

Yeah. My youngest is glued to my phone way too often. How are you going juggling everything?

Try not to impose your own ideas. Help your friend open up.

Just concentrate on your work. The kids can take care of themselves.

Actually, now is not a great time. I need to get back to it.

Don't walk away so easily. Tune in to what your friend is saying and make another plan.

Don’t let me distract you. I’ll leave you to it.

Try to avoid vague promises of future connection.

Making sure you set an appropriate, specific time to check in is a great place to start.

All good. Let’s catch up tomorrow. What time is good?

It’s nice to take a break from everything.

I haven’t got a lot of time, though. Really worried about the kids.

Try not to be dismissive of your friends’ feelings. Aim to open up the conversation rather than shutting it down.

You worry too much. I’m sure they’re ok.

Ask open question questions to help your friend open up and share what’s bothering them.

Don’t be dismissive. Pay attention and mirror what they’re saying back to them.

Kids are tough. They’ll survive. Let’s talk about you.

They’re just spending a lot of time inside and it’s all screen time.

I feel like I should be spending more time with them.

Demonstrating that you're listening and asking questions will help develop the conversation.

So you think they need less screen time more dad time?

This is actually kind of nice. But let's ask some deeper questions.

Don’t shut them down. Ask questions.

I’m sure they’re fine. They can entertain themselves.

But I’m already falling behind with work. I’m not doing anything well right now.

Don’t be prescriptive. Encourage them to find their own solution.

Encourage him to think creatively about how to improve the situation.

Sounds tough. Are there any changes you could make?

Don’t give them orders. Encourage them to find their own solution.

You need to slow down and take a breather!

Encourage action without being overly prescriptive.

You should tell your boss you need to cut back to spend more time with your family.

Offer practical support while encouraging them to take action and come up with their own solution.

Like seeing if your work can offer you more support. Maybe there's room for some flexibility?

That’s a big ask but I suppose I could look into it.

Use the ALEC skills to respond: